Divorce sucks. Few events in a person’s life are so traumatic as the process surrounding the breakup of a marriage or long-term relationship. It’s emotionally taxing, frustrating, and in many instances, confusing. To that end, here are some tips on how to make the process even worse and to ensure that you will walk out of your divorce permanently scarred.
1. Obsess Over Things You Can’t Control.
There’s a lot that happens in a divorce over which you have no control. You generally can’t control how quickly the court responds to things. You can’t control how quickly your attorney will file documents. You can’t control what the other party is thinking or feeling or saying to you.
Because of your lack of control over these things, fixating on them will result in absolute frustration. That’s why it’s important to perseverate on them if you want to be miserable.
2. Get Baited Into Arguments.
When you come out of the relationship, discussions with the other party can become heated or high-conflict. Frequently the other party will say something over the phone, or by email, or by text calling you a name, or pointing out something they believe you did wrong, or some alleged fault that you have. Your automatic reaction is generally to yell back why they are wrong, or why they did something that was just as bad or worse. Soon both of you have spent a ton of time and energy going back and forth about the other’s faults.
This kind of exchange accomplishes nothing. If you simply accept that you cannot, and frankly don’t need to convince the other person of anything, you will be able to get through the court process with a lot less stress. That person’s opinion doesn’t matter. They have no authority to issue orders regarding your case. The Judge does that.
So, if you want to be miserable, it’s a good idea to get pulled into these arguments and exhaust yourself arguing and trying to convince the other party that their impression of you is incorrect.
3. React Without Walking Away to Cool Down.
Because of the frequency of contentious and high-conflict situations that arise in divorces and similar break-ups, parties frequently respond emotionally and immediately. When the other side does something hurtful, it’s normal to want to respond immediately. The problem is that responding in this heightened state of anxiety can result in you saying things that are just as hurtful, or, more importantly, that may ultimately do harm to your case if presented to a court.
Accordingly, if you really want to mess up your case and make yourself more miserable in the process, you should always be reactive to the other party. You should never walk away and cool down before responding to a communication from your soon-to-be ex.
4. Use Your Children as a Weapon Against the Other Parent.
Because of the pain involved in breakups and because children are so emotionally tied to each of us, many times people manipulate children in an effort to hurt the other parent. For example, sabotaging the relationship between your children and the other parent, or preventing the other parent from seeing his or her kids is a good way to make everyone unhappy. In this way you get the added benefit of harming your own children in an effort to lash out at the other parent.
So, if you want to be miserable, be sure to utilize your kids as a weapon against the other parent.
5. Don’t Establish Support Networks.
When you’re going through a divorce or other breakup, you will likely be filled with so much anger and frustration, that you’ll feel like you’re going crazy. Many describe this as though they’re filled with mental poison that they just need to get out. One of the most effective ways to deal with this mental poison is to vent to a close friend or friends or to go to support or recovery group.
So, if you want to be miserable, you should avoid any such venting. You should refrain from talking to others about what you’re feeling and the frustrations you have. Instead keep it all bottled up and let it fester within your psyche.
6. You Should Have No Understanding of the Court Process.
Fear and anxiety often derives from the unknown. When we don’t understand or have familiarity with a particular event or process, most people feel uncomfortable. The courthouse can be intimidating. Thus not understanding what that process is like can create a lot of anxiety. Doing things to understand the process, such as reading about how divorce works or going to the courthouse and watching other people’s hearings before you go in for your own hearings can wipe out a lot of the fear and stress that derives from not knowing what the process is like.
Accordingly, if you want to be miserable, you should avoid doing anything that could inform you about how court works or what hearings are like.
7. Live in the Past.
When you’re going through a breakup, there are going to be a lot of major changes. Sometimes it’s simple things like habits you have before going to bed. Sometimes it’s more significant, like traditions on Christmas or the holidays. Moving on with your life and finding happiness comes, in part, by realizing that you can create new habits and traditions. Breakups require major life changes. Accordingly, a good way to be miserable is to refuse to accept that fact, and instead dwell on how things used to be.