Dealing with Divorce and Co-Parenting

co-parenting

Guest ShaRon Rea, above.

Show Topic

This show aired on March 19, 2017. It was hosted by David Enevoldsen. ShaRon Rea, a certified family coach, appeared as a guest on the show. This show reviews some of the emotional aspects of divorce, whether it makes sense to keep the family together for the sake of the children, learning to take care of yourself for the sake of your family, and learning to take a positive view of your child’s other parent as part of the process of developing a positive co-parenting relationship.

Guest Information

ShaRon works for The Whole Family Coaching, and can be reached at 480-420-9551 or through her website at www.thewholefamilycoaching.com.

Headlines

            Headlines in the show looked at the practice of Triple Talaq, the fact that Gilbert was named #2 in the U.S. as having the lowest divorce rates, and Brittain Young’s conviction for his “arrest” of a juvenile court judge in Maricopa County.

Transcript of Show:

Speaker 1: Welcome to the Family Law Report. The show that explores issues related to marriage, divorce, and children hosted by David Enevoldsen, a practicing family law attorney in Arizona. Now here’s your host.

David Enevoldsen: Hello, everybody. Welcome to Family Law Report. I’m your host David Enevoldson. I’m here with you every Sunday at noon on Independent Talk 1100 KFNX. Here on Family Law Report we talk about all things family. Family law, which can range everywhere from current topics in family law that can be things like gay marriage to what’s happening in the political arena, all the way to just how to work through the nuts and bolts of a divorce. I am a practicing attorney, strangely enough, in the area of family law. And when I say family law, specifically I mean anything related to marriage or divorce or issues over custody of children, child support, that sort of thing. I am a partner at a law firm here in Arizona called Family Law Guys. It’s an Arizona firm. We have offices in the Phoenix area and we also have a Prescott office. We don’t practice outside of Arizona but, if you have a family la issue and you want to reach out to us and get some advice on that, you can schedule a consult and we’re happy to talk to you about that. You can reach our firm at 4805658680 or you can check us out on our website at www.familylawguys.com. Today we have a guest, ShaRon Rea. ShaRon are you on?

ShaRon Rea: Yes I am. Hi, David.

David Enevoldsen: Hi. Thank you for joining us. And, ShaRon is a certified family coach. And so we’re going to be talking to her a little bit about what she does in that capacity and, specifically, things about how to deal with divorce, either co-parenting or dealing with stuff on kind of an emotional level. Before we get in to that, I want to hit some of our current headlines. We’re going to talk about what’s going on in the family law universe in the news. 1st up, there is a brewing controversy over the practice of triple Talaq, which is, as I understand it in ancient Islamic practice, in which a husband can essentially say I don’t want to be married anymore and I’m just going to divorce you, wife. And all they have to do is say Talaq 3 times and they think, there’s a couple other procedural hurdles, but the gist of it is they just have to say Talaq 3 times, which I think is the equivalent of saying I divorce you. The practice doesn’t require any sort of court approval. Doesn’t require any reasons so, there’s been a number of incidences recently that were popping up in the news which a husband was just upset about what ever, a child asking for money for fire works, or various just completely irrational justifications. Well, in a number of countries, this practice is still accepted. Particularly, Islamic countries. Now there are a number of countries that have banned it. So, for example, Pakistan or Indonesia have expressed they outlawed it. But in some countries, including India, the practice is still embraced and so the controversy is popping up right now about whether or not we should continue to do this. Apparently, India’s Supreme Court is going to be looking at the issue as to whether or not it’s constitutional under India’s constitution. There’s, it’s been hitting the news. Everybody’s been arguing over it. One of the major problems that seems to arise on kind of an obvious level is that, when you have this unilateral divorce, where the woman doesn’t have any say in it and she’s just kind of thrown out on the street, there’s some serious potential implications with respect to property rights. She can, denied anything she would have, any interest she could have in the marital state or any sort of marital property and she’s just out on the street without any ability to say anything. Apparently, there are about a million Indian Muslims, not surprisingly, most of whom are women, that have issued a petition or signed a petition looking to end this practice of triple Talaq. So, as I said, India’s Supreme Court is going to be looking at this, coming up pretty quickly. So, I’m very curious to see where this whole practice goes and whether India continues to recognize the triple Talaq process. In other news, there was a, there’s a website called wallethub.com, which conducted a report on the happiest places to live in 2017. And, specifically, they were looking at 150 cities in the US. And they had a range of metrics that they were looking at, including things like depression rates, suicide rates, growth of income, and, relevant to our talk, divorce and separation rates. In that study, Gilbert, overall, finished 16th in this list of 150 cities as being one of the happiest cities in the US. And, Scottsdale ranked 13. Most interesting to me was that Gilbert ended up being number 2 in the US as having the lowest divorce and separation rates, which was proceeded only by Freemont, California. So, one of my initial thoughts on this was, well maybe people are just staying together and they’re actually unhappy but then, if you look at the ranking that Gilbert has overall, looking at some of the other things like depression rates and income growth and all of that stuff, that seems to imply to me that people in Gilbert maybe are both retaining their marriages and are happy in their marriages. So, I guess, if you want to be happy and stay in your marriage, Gilbert is the place to be. In other news, there was a story very recently about a fellow names Burton Young who was involved in a juvenile case here in Maricopa County. And, back in September of 2016, Mr. Young, and it’s not entirely clear what happened in the juvenile case and that’s, in part, because with juvenile cases. In juvenile cases, just to clarify, are situations in which you can have the Department of Child Safety, who come in and are concerned that there’s either abuse or some sort of child neglect or something related to a kid, overlaps significantly with a lot of family law cases I have. But, in a juvenile case, typically the records are sealed so you don’t know exactly what’s going on. Whereas with other cases, if you had a divorce or something, all of those records are public so that it’s very easy to go get those records. But, what we know is that Mr. Young was involved in some sort of case in which his parental rights had been severed. Department of Child Safety was involved and he went in for, what appeared to be, a routine court hearing and, after the hearing, everybody walked out except for the judge, who was Judge Lisa Flores, and a couple of her court staff. There was the clerk and bailiff. And so, after everybody walked out and the hearing was done, he jumped up from his seat and starts walking behind where the judge is, yelling motion to strike. And he’s waving some papers that he is claiming are, he has an arrest warrant and he’s going to make a citizens arrest. 1st thing he says is are you Flores, meaning the judge, and she looks at him and says you know who I am. He then proceeds to pull out some zip ties to, with the intention of putting on her wrists and taking her who knows were. The court staff jumped in, they get involved, sheriff’s deputies and they end up dragging Young out of the building and release him at that point. Well, later on, he was arrested for kidnapping, brought up on charges. He was taken out of Maricopa County, just to make sure that there wasn’t a conflict because the judge here was in Maricopa County, obviously. And so this was all back in September. Well, he just had his criminal trial on this whole thing and he was convicted. So there’s, and this to me sort of is a reflection of an underlying concern that we have in a lot of the family law cases, because to me there seems to be a lot of indications here that this fellow had some sort of mental health concerns. And, just for the record, it is not appropriate to go and try to do a citizens arrest on a judge, particularly just because you don’t like what’s going on in your case. This guy, Young, had done a number of other filings in different cases. He had also previously been in prison for manslaughter. And there was a lot of indication of mental instability and the mental instability is something that I frequently in family law cases that can really throw a wrench in a lot of the dynamics because it’s very difficult to work with. It can be very sabotaging in your relationships. If you’re dealing with something like narcissism or bipolar or borderline personality disorder, that really alters the normal dynamic in terms of having to deal with this other person as a spouse or a loved one or trying to co parent with another person. So we’re going to have to jump to a commercial break in just a sec so, when we come back, we’re going to be talking with my guest ShaRon Rea and what she does in terms of family coaching. You are listening to Family Report on Family Law Report on Independent Talk 110 KFNS. All right, welcome back to Family Law Report. I’m David Enevoldson, attorney with the Family Law Guys, an Arizona law firm, here with you every Sunday at noon on Independent Talk 1100 KFNX. My guest today is ShaRon Rea who works as a certified family coach. And we’re going to be talking to her about how to deal with some of the emotional components of divorce and how to deal with things like co-parenting and find out what she does as a family coach. If you’re listening and you want to call in and ask questions or share any thoughts, feel free to do so. You can call us up at 602277KFNX. Now, ShaRon?

ShaRon Rea: Yes. David Enevoldsen: Thank you for joining us today. Now you’re a certified family coach correct?

ShaRon Rea: Correct.

David Enevoldsen: Let’s start with some basics. What is a certified family coach?

ShaRon Rea: That means I have been trained to be a life coach and, in my life, there have been some things that I have gone through, have recovered from, I have moved through and so, from that perspective, I chose to focus my life coaching abilities and trainings on the family. That’s the name of my company is The Whole Family Coaching. And that really means 2 things. It means 1 I deal and work and help and assist and support every single person in the family. So that’s the grand parent, the mom, the dad, a husband and wife with no kids, the children, every one in the family. And the other meaning for whole is just to become a whole, comfortable, peaceful, able to understand each other family unit.

David Enevoldsen: Okay now when a client approaches you and says I’ve got, I’m having trouble. I’m not, my family isn’t functional or not co-parenting. What kind of, just in a general sense, what kind of process do you go through with them?

ShaRon Rea: Well the 1st thing I do is I have a number of ways for people to access me. On my website, www.thewholefamilycoaching.com, there’s a contact page. And, as a matter of fact I just received one on Friday, where you can answer just 3 simple questions and get directly to me. You can call me at 4804209551 and I always give every new client an opportunity to explore. So, you get a free session when you come, and that includes you and I speaking. Me mostly listening to what it is that are your concerns. I work a lot with parents that are before divorce when they’re trying to stay together. Parents after divorce, which is my family story. Helping the father or the mother or both come to some way that they can co parent with each other for the best of their children and the best of themselves to move their family forward. So there’s always a free opportunity to come and chat and see if we are a good match.

David Enevoldsen: And that, to me resonates a little bit. I often have this discussion with new clients on the attorney where I say if you’re going to be dealing with an attorney going through a divorce process or custody fight or something like that, you want to make sure that you’re syncing up with somebody that you’re going to resonate with. Because you could have somebody that’s completely competent, is a fantastic attorney, knows what they’re talking about, is niched in family law, is affordable at your budget and yet you can’t stand this person. And you’re going to be intertwined with someone that is completely mixed up with your fate, you need to make sure that this a person that you can stand and that you have a personality click with. So it makes a lot of sense to me that, if you’re going to be investing someone to help you deal with co-parenting issues or dealing with the emotional side of your divorce, you would want to make sure that you’re clicking with that person as well. So that resonates with me a little bit. Now tell me a little bit about how you got in to this. You mentioned a second ago that you had your own personal issues and it kind of followed you in to this process. Can you tell me about that?

ShaRon Rea: Sure. Well I’ve been a Jane of a whole bunch of different trades. I’ve worked in a law firm. I’ve worked in the last with First Things First which is the Arizona government funding agency for kids birth to 5. I’ve been in a non profit world with Make a Wish. And when in my last job I realized that many parents don’t have the benefit that parents that are going through a trauma have which is when you’re court ordered to take a parenting class you learn a lot. And those of us that are just our here doing the job of parenting would benefit from those types of classes. So, the beginning of my company was to teach parenting classes in the 2 areas where my family was living through. And everybody on the phone that has any teenagers can probably resonate with this. So parenting through the teen years and parenting after divorce. And I was doing both of those at the same time and it was tremendously difficult to stay balanced, to find any kind of peace, there was just trouble every day from all fronts. So I found a lot of different thoughts that we have in our country about how to parent, about how to take care of yourself, especially for moms and particularly for dads. So my family went through a divorce, it’s been about 10 years now. My former husband was a lawyer so, as you can probably imagine, it was difficult from that perspective. But when.

David Enevoldsen: Certainly. I know that we can be very difficult.

ShaRon Rea: Oh my goodness. But you’re so right when you talked about your clients wanting to resonate with the professional that’s working with them. Not only as an attorney but as an emotion person which is what I would help you deal with your emotions. I had 3 different attorneys through our divorce and each one of them was appropriate for where I was in my life in my thoughts throughout our divorce. So very much you want to make sure you’re with the person that you feel can help you.

David Enevoldsen: Okay. Well, and just as a side note on this just so that everyone listening has some background, when you’re going through a divorce or a custody case, a case revolving around paternity, anything like that, and there are kids in the mix, the court in Arizona generally requires that you take a parenting information program class. Which is what they call it. Which is a 4 hour program that basically just talks to you about making sure that you understand the implications of what you say and do and how that effects your child. And I assume that’s what you’re referencing a second ago.

ShaRon Rea: Yes.

David Enevoldsen: And a lot of it is focused on being aware that your children are going to soak up the conflict if you choose to go down this high conflict road with the other parent. And it’s going to negatively effect them. It’s typically a 4 hour course. Usually you take it in isolation from the other parents so you’re not there right in there, right with them staring at you.

ShaRon Rea: And, David, as you can imagine, there’s a pendulum on both of those points. Because, yes, I took that class and I took that class absent my former husband so we were separated. He was in 1 class, I was in another. So, yes, it does abate the opportunity for you to argue with that person but what it doesn’t do, more importantly, it doesn’t give the 2 of you the same information at the same time. So your also taking that class very soon after you’ve filed so you’re still in this angry place where you just don’t want to work with him. So most of that information, if it goes in, you don’t have the opportunity to practice it right away. That’s why my services are so valuable because I’m available a week after you file, 2 years after you, 10 years after you file. So you have an opportunity to hear those same messages that you would hear in that class, in a way that’s specific to your family’s situation.

David Enevoldsen: So in your own, if I can get personal for a second, in your own personal case when you were going through this whole divorce process and having to deal with this lawyer ex. Did you have some realizations that shifted you in to this profession? Do you get along with people on this level?

ShaRon Rea: I actually did. Throughout my life I just love people. Full disclosure, I’m an only child and I love people so I want people around me all the time. But what I found was I’m also an excellent listener because I want people to stay and be comfortable. And s, from that perspective, I realized that listening through someone’s pain and giving them the opportunity just to release it was valuable. I didn’t have anybody like that in my life and so what was going on for us was every day there was anger, every day there was just awfulness. So I decided, I don’t know where it came from, David, but it was appropriate. decided this man that I had been married to for 21 years who is the father of our children, I did not want to hate him. And that was very possible with what was going on with our marriage and I wanted to give myself permission to just follow my heart, do what I thought was best, and grow from this. So that’s the genesis for why I started coaching. Being able to listen to people, wanting people to feel as comfortable as they can in their family situation, and knowing that I have tools that can help get you there.

David Enevoldsen: Now I’m assuming that you were successful in terms of the all 3 in the relationships or the interactions that you were having with your ex and your child, is that a fair assumption?

ShaRon Rea: And you mean that, say it a different way for me.

David Enevoldsen: I guess what I’m saying is, so once you had, you were going through this divorce process and then you had this realization that you didn’t want to hate the father of your child, this person that you had been married to for a long time. Once you came to that realization, I’m assuming you implemented some techniques and did you then see a significant change in terms of the interactions and what was going with.

ShaRon Rea: Yes, I did because the biggest realization I had, which should be just a normal thought, is that I was in control of everything I did. And I was definitely not in control of everything he did. I mean such a simple concept gives you the ability to take responsibility for your life if you choose. And so that’s what I did. I had no calm times in my world. So everything I did, I said I want to have it be couched in peace, love, and calm, and I am the person that can achieve peace, love, and calm for me. So every action I took, every opportunity I had to interact with my children, every time I had to decide how to co parent with him, it came from a place of peace, love, and calm and I’m responsible.

David Enevoldsen: Makes sense. Sorry, was there more.

ShaRon Rea: I was just going to say and what that does is, it did for me and what it has done for the hundreds hundreds of, been in business for 6 years, other parents is that you’re no longer waiting for that other person to do something to fit your expectations.

David Enevoldsen: Sure. All right we’re going to take a quick break. You’re listening to Family Law Report and I’m attorney David Enevoldson and we’re talking to ShaRon Rea about her work as a certified family coach. This is Family Law Report on Independent Talk 1100 KFNX. All right. Welcome back to Family Law Report. I’m David Enevoldson attorney with the Family Law Guys an Arizona law firm here and with you every Sunday at noon on Independent Talk 1100 KFNX. We’ve been talking to ShaRon Rea about her work as a certified family coach and how to deal with some of the emotional components that go along with co-parenting or dealing with life after divorce, that sort of thing. If you want to reach out to my firm, just a couple quick plugs, you can check us out at www.familylawguys.com or you can call us at 48565868. If you’re listening and you’d like to call in, ask any questions or share thoughts you can do so at 602277 KFNX and ShaRon, if people want to reach out to you and check out your company or speak with you, what’s a good way to contact you?

ShaRon Rea: My telephone number is 4804209551, my website is thewholefamilycoaching.com. And you can send me an email through the website as well.

David Enevoldsen: Great. Thank you. So we were talking about some of your experiences going through a personal divorce and, particularly looking at some of the emotional stuff here involved. And, as a family law attorney, somebody that deals every day with divorces or custody fights, it seems to me very apparent, particularly in their family law universe, that it’s very easy for attorneys to fixate on a lot of the legal rights and obligations and kind of what is someone supposed to do? What things do we have to get out? How do we prep the exhibits for trial? How do we, what does this person have to do? And it can be easy to sort of ignore a lot of these emotional components that go in to divorce or fighting over children and it seems absolutely critical that someone deals with this stuff. Which is why, in my mind, someone that has a role like what you do, doing this family coaching is just critically important because I think if you ignore it, people just implode or explode or something absolutely horrible happens. Does that sound?

ShaRon Rea: I just want to underscore that, David, a thousand percent because the whole family means all of the parts. And, when you have a client that you’re working diligently with to help their family move through this process and be equal. Just like you talked about the triple Talaq. You know, to make sure that they have their property protected. Make sure they have the children best cared for. And that they are sound as they go forward in this 2 separate family place. To have someone like me help you, help them that your client, who would become my client as well, understand what their emotion is they become a partner with you. And they can help you direct their legal efforts in a manner that is very specific to their family because the cloud of anger, the cloud of hurt and pain is dissipated. So they work well with you. The family becomes healthier. And it’s a more simpler, less costly process.

David Enevoldsen: Absolutely. Yeah, and just to expound on that a little bit, I very often will see parents, in particular, that get so wrapped up in some of the conflict and just wanting to go back to court constantly. Particularly with child issues, I think that you, it doesn’t end if you have a divorce. Just because you get that divorce decree does not mean that your case is over because when you have a child, you’ve got to deal with this other parent almost in perpetuity. Because, even once this child emancipates and becomes 18 or graduates from high school, you’re very often still dealing with weddings and school graduations and all these things that go along with having a, you’re tied to this other parent for forever. And when you’re wrapped up in intense conflict, particularly in the early years, you can still go back to the court and, because things change and you might need changes in the parenting plan and so you have to go back to the court for that. Or you might have changes in financial issues so the child support changes. And so when you’re in this high degree of conflict, I have a number cases where I see people come back and they’re just running themselves in to the ground, they’re constantly going back to court meaning they’re spending tons in attorneys’ fees, they’re incredibly stressed out because dealing with one of these cases and very often just get you emotionally like wrapped up and its time consuming. Sometimes you have to take time off work to go to court or all this other stuff. So it seems, to me, absolutely critical that you find a way and not only to deal with your own personal life and your own personal emotions but to find a way to function on some sort of level with this other parent. Even if they’re resisting you and they want to fight it.

ShaRon Rea: And you know 1 of the things that I think we as parents when we’re in that, and people in general, but we as parents are in that delicate, difficult, frustrating family divorce legal process. We’re not aware that guess who’s watching you the most about how you deal with conflict?

David Enevoldsen: Your children.

ShaRon Rea: Your children. And if you have any sense of how effective you’re going to be as a parent, understanding that your job is not only to protect them when they’re in your care but to give them the tools to go out and thrive when they’re adults. It behooves you to find whatever way you can to help manage and move through your conflict because what they see, they model.

David Enevoldsen: Absolutely.

ShaRon Rea: And I don’t think parents are aware enough because you’re so one singularly focused about either getting back at this person that you’re angry with or defending yourself from what you think this other person is doing to you.

David Enevoldsen: Absolutely. Completely agree. And that actually funnels into one of the other questions I had for you. You were kind enough to let me read an article that you’d written about life after divorce and 7 surprising lessons that you had learned, which was an interesting read. I generally agreed with everything that was in there. Or I did agree with everything that was in there. I didn’t generally. One of the statements that you made in there was that there is, often times people will stay together for the sake of the children. And they want to keep the family in tact and that’s kind of the ideal that they have in their heads. And that you disagree with that as a model. Can you explain your position on that?

ShaRon Rea: Absolutely. Yes, because our expectations once we become a family is seeded in how our society sees a family and what we deem as successful. Is to parents, is to kids, is to wonderful cars, great education, it’s wonderful house and those things are great. If you can have those things without stress and conflict? More power to you. But when you recognize, as a parent, that you are the model of how to live in this world for your children, and there is conflict, there is horrible violences, you’re not speaking to that other parent or you’re arguing with them all the time. Your children are living in that negative energy. And, often, the most compassionate thing you can do, and I don’t use divorce as a negative, I use divorce as transitioning your family to 2 loving families. Have the opportunity you deserve to be happy. Your former spouse, hopefully that becomes, if that’s what you choose, deserves to be happy just as much as you do. And when children are around happy adults, you model what a loving relationship looks like, model self care. I no longer choose to be in this horrible relationship. I choose something different. And, even if that means, being single for a while so you can discover who you are so you don’t make that mistake twice. I think, is the most compassionate you can do for your family.

David Enevoldsen: So now you’re not necessarily advocating that people should just run out and get divorced on a whim, right?

ShaRon Rea: No. No.

David Enevoldsen: There, and just this morning I was reading an article that was focused on, it spawned from Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner who had recently come out in the public and said that they were, they had separated and they’re going to basically give marriage another go. And they particularly sided concerns about their kids. They both immensely love their children and they wanted to try and make it work for them. And in this particular article I was reading this morning, the focus was on how a lot of the experts in the family law universe, particularly divorce attorneys like myself, it was sort of attacking them for pushing divorce on people more readily than we should. And its just kind of creating this easy out and teaching children horrible things. So it seems to me that what I’m hearing, then, from you, and this would be my position as well is that there are times to stay and there are times to kind of work it out and try to. But, if things are just completely failing and it’s just, you are absolutely miserable by staying, you’re actually your kids negative things by being in this horrible, negative, caustic environment. And you’re imposing that on them as well because they’re going to soak it up.

ShaRon Rea: Absolutely, David. And I just want to share with your audience, I’m an open person and I use a lot which is what a life coach does because I’ve lived the life. So I’m sharing and helping through my life situations. We were married for 21 years. That’s a long time. And I knew, and I’m sure my former husband knew, but we both had this perspective like our country supports which is stay together for the kids. And we tried. And, finally, when we went to counseling I said okay I am on a pirate ship, and I am going to walk this plank with the sword behind me, and when I get to the end of this plank I’m either going to say yes, I turn around and we’re going to try this marriage again, or I’m going to jump and find my new life.

David Enevoldsen: Right. All right. We’re going to take another quick break. You’re listening to Family Law Report. I’m attorney David Enevoldson and we’re talking with ShaRon Rea regarding her work as a certified family coach. This is Family Law Report in Independent Talk 1100 KFNX. All right welcome back to Family Law Report. You’re listening to David Enevoldson. I’m an attorney with Family Law Guys are Arizona law firm here. And Family Law Report is with you every Sunday at noon on Independent Talk 1100 KFNX. If you want to call my law firm you can reach us at 4805658680 or you can check us out at www.familylawguys.com. If you’re listening and you’d like to call in with any questions or share thoughts, you can do so at 602277KFNX. And we’ve been talking with ShaRon Rea about her work as a certified family coach and dealing with some of the emotional aspects related to divorce and co-parenting and ShaRon can you give us again the contact information for your business?

ShaRon Rea: Absolutely. My telephone number is 4804209551 and you can reach me on my website thewholefamilycoaching.com where you can send me an email right from there.

David Enevoldsen: Great. Thank you. Now one of the things that you have, I guess, kind of pioneered in terms of or your pushing, I’m not sure what the right phrase there is, is this idea of no judgment, just love and the philosophy related to that. Can you tell us a little about that?

ShaRon Rea: I absolutely can and thank you. No judgment, just love is the foundation for the way I live and the foundation for the way I coach. David, as you can imagine, often we speak from our pain instead of from our joy. And out actions are there as well. And so when I create an opportunity and when it is given to me when a client comes, is a comfy couch sort of way I coach which is you are free of judgment from me to say whatever you need to say in the privacy of our session. And you will not be judged on your actions or your thoughts. And what that does for people s it gives them freedom because we all cover the things we don’t want people to see, including our attorneys, our wonderful divorce attorneys. But when you have the chance to.

David Enevoldsen: They’re not always so wonderful.

ShaRon Rea: Well, that’s true, but the ones I’ve had then, very wonderful. And I know that you are as well.

David Enevoldsen: Well, of course I am but I have met some not so wonderful divorce attorneys though so, and usually the other side is you assume that their not so wonderful but anyway, sorry. Go ahead.

ShaRon Rea: Absolutely. And there is another opportunity to engage with no judgment just love because they’re advocating for a client that they may or not agree with but they’re doing a job how they do it. We get to choose how we react to it but I’m going to do my best not to judge it. And, by not judging, please don’t misunderstand me, David, or your audience. That, of course, we judge, we’re human and that’s how we discern what we like and what we don’t like. What works and what doesn’t work. So judgment really isn’t the issue or the problem. It’s what you do and what you say and how you conduct yourself after you’ve made that judgment that either puts you in a negative place or moves you forward in a positive way.

David Enevoldsen: Absolutely. And I feel the same thing kind of dealing with this sort of high conflict universe. Having to, I 100 percent agree that when you’re dealing with, if I have this situation right beside it, oh there’s this attorney and he’s acting irrationally or she’s acting irrationally here, pushing a position that makes no sense to me or they’re just being a jerk or whatever that is. I can have those thoughts but if I think the way that the whole situation is going to play out is extremely dependent upon how I’m reacting to them. And sometimes, in the legal arena, I think it’s appropriate to take a stand and kick back but there’s a lot of times where your generating more conflict just by your reaction. And all of a sudden, if it can become this arms race where everybody just wants to mount up and fight and you’re going to trial over something really silly. I’ve seen situations where people wanted to go try a hummingbird feeder because they’re paying thousands of dollars in attorney’s fees just because they. It really has nothing to do with the hummingbird feeder or the property your fighting over. It’s really just about I have to be right or I have to get one over on this other party.

ShaRon Rea: And that’s where the benefit of working with, in concert with an intelligent and successful attorney and a helpful, intelligent coach like me is that a person comes to you more ready to listen to reason instead of being in continued competition with this person that they’re not getting along with. And that just gets in the way of their own success, they’re own good counsel, and especially challenging their children.

David Enevoldsen: Yes, and I can tell you that’s a big part of the battle that I’m facing very often. Particularly with the people that aren’t getting something in a ancillary where, to kind of work on a lot of these emotional issues or figuring out how to interact with the, in the face of high conflict with another parent or another your soon to be ex spouse or whatever the situation is. I spend an enormous amount of energy trying to reign people in and get them off of their emotions long enough that I can kind of fixate on the tactical stuff which then is kind of a waste of resources because [UNKNOWN] your attorney who should be fixated on, in theory at least, the legal stuff and the tactical and kind of the procedural stuff. And, instead, I’m sitting there talking about the affair or the angry feeling about the other parent as opposed to having me fixated on those legal components so.

ShaRon Rea: Exactly. And the through no judgment just love I have a website nojudgmentjustlove.com. There is a pledge that is going to go up in the net month where you can see how I live this way and see if it fits for you, the certain things and thoughts to help parents understand. And, 1 of the quotes that I have is everyone is doing the best they can even if it doesn’t look like it to you. And so when you can attribute that to your stuff, I’m hurting, I’m in anger, and this sincerely the best that I can do right now. Because this is where I am. But when you have someone like me who can help you go yes, absolutely without judgment be where you are, but here are the effects of where you are to yourself, to the co-parenting relationship, and to your children. So here’s a smorgasbord of choices that you get to decide upon that may work for you when you’re ready.

David Enevoldsen: So this is, it sounds like this is both a model for you to interact with your clients as well as a model for the clients to interact with the other parent or the soon to be ex spouse.

ShaRon Rea: Absolutely.

David Enevoldsen: Now does this apply to the self as well? Does this, do you?

ShaRon Rea: Absolutely because one of the models is the positive family relationship that you’re looking for, guess where it begins? With you. And so when you can decide if this message of no judgment just love, however you want to define it, fits for you, you then become the creator of peace. You become the creator of no I’m not going to take that, I have healthy boundaries. And then, from my healthy boundaries, that’s how I’m going to interact with you instead of just being led by the nose or being pushed around.

David Enevoldsen: Certainly. And that kind of funnels back to one of the things that you’d written in your Life

After Divorce 7 Surprising Lessons article, which spoke to me a little bit, regarding, and you created an analogy about an airline, when you’re on the airline and they talk about that you, if there’s some sort of accident, you should put your own mask on 1st because if you pass out you’re not going to be able to help your kid or somebody that’s next to you. And you analogize that to dealing with the emotional stuff here. Do you want to speak to that for a second.

ShaRon Rea: Yes, I do because there are 4 areas when you’re talking about the wholeness of yourself that I often give to parents the opportunity to sit with themselves quiet, not with their kids, not with their anger, not with their mothers, sister, whomever. But sit quietly with their self and decide, number 1 where am I really angry? And how much does that anger guide my actions towards my kids and my former husband? Can I let it go? Can I work with it? Can I heal it? Where are my emotional triggers? Something that my children do that causes me to blow up? Or something that someone says that causes me to just get irrational? Where is my sadness? Does it have anything to do with this marriage? Maybe not. Maybe it has to do with something that happened to you when you were 12. And then where am I worried? Where is my fear? Because when we parent out of fear, we do not give our children the chance to find the world the way they need to see it to thrive when they grow up.

David Enevoldsen: Absolutely. All right, well, we are getting close to the end of the show here. So I’m going to ask you 1 more time if you give contact information for your company. If people want to reach out to you and use you in the midst of a divorce or post divorce or if they’re dealing with custody issues or having difficulty co-parenting and they want to reach out to you, how would they do so?

ShaRon Rea: Well, 1st of all I welcome anyone who wants to reach out and receive help and you get a free opportunity to talk with me and I will listen and we can decide if we’re right for each other. And that can be done in person, on line, through Skype, or on the telephone. And my phone is 4804209551. The website is thewholefamilycoaching.com. Thank you so much, David.

David Enevoldsen: Awesome. Well, thank you, ShaRon, for joining us today. You have been listening to Family Law Report. I’m David Enevoldson, an attorney with Family Law Guys and we are here every Sunday at noon on Independent Talk 1100 KFNX. Thanks all for listening.

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